The Month of November.
This is a collection of scattered thoughts, I’ve been lost in thought lately, more so than usual.
This month always seems to put me in a different state of mind, a different state of being.
November has always been a strange month for me, its like being caught in perpetual twilight, with no light or dark in sight, just a constant state of twilight, a constant state of various dreams.
Creatively, this month always puts me in a surreal state of mind, a million scattered thoughts, swirling around in my head, many different ideas trying to find their way out and onto the paper, or canvas or computer screen. Its almost a constant dream state I am in. I usually put my headphones on when I feel this scattered, music usually drives me creatively when I feel emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained, music is the fuel that keeps the fire burning when I myself feel like I am going through some personal or outer hell.
On the inside I can feel many emotions colliding and crashing with another, maybe its because autumn is slowly transitioning into winter, the melancholy season. My favorite season. Peering outside into the cold, watching snow fall from the sky, late at night, peacefully. Sometimes on those kinds of nights I remind myself that there is still beauty in this world worth holding true.
The month of November for me, is a rather odd time, I’ve always made my most personal pieces during this time, I usually plan out what I want to do when I work on my art, I write lists, I make sure that I finish what I set out to do, but this month I can’t be bothered to write my lists, I push myself differently during this time of year, more so on the inside, me vs. myself and my self critical judgment, I can be fucking harsh on myself when I get in ‘the zone’ creatively, if I don’t like what I’m doing I will draw or paint over and begin again, or I will throw it all out completely and spend my hours brooding and cursing myself, its something I need to work on, but I think every artist or writer has a problem like this, or close to it.
Despite being a self critical prick towards myself, I can’t stop, making art is everything to me.
I can’t stop being creative, its everything to me, that constant thirst for knowledge.
Always climbing the obstacles, even when it feels like there is nothing worth fighting for, nothing worth expressing. I can’t stop. Art is my everything.
I battle depression on a daily basis, I have to constantly push myself forward because I don’t want to go backwards, I don’t want to repeat past situations, I’ve come along way and the road I travel isn’t easy, its a long road with many turns and obstacles. But that is life, I guess. I think this month for me always puts me in a self reflective mood, contemplative, deep in thought, looking at ghosts from the past.
The month of November is such an odd month, its strange to think how fast the year has gone by. Its strange to think I made it to 30, its a strange time to be alive in this world, sometimes you have to stop and look around, take a deep breath, and just observe your surroundings, soon winter will come. soon a new year will arrive. Strange how fast time can go by, no one can master time, but still, one moment its January than the next moment it is November, time goes by too fast sometimes.
Creatively, I am just going with the flow, not trying to over-think anything, i worked on 10 pieces tonight, I would’ve worked on more, but I don’t want to exhaust myself, although I tend to more than I would like to admit. But I feel good creatively, spiritually, not as much. There are piles upon piles of reasons why I could explain that, but they are rather too personal for me to talk about in a blog entry. Maybe I’ll find some way to release some of that anxiety into future art pieces, art is the best kind of therapy. For me anyways, haha.
Anyways, I am having an insomniac kind of night, where it is just me and my thoughts, scattered as they are. But even insomnia feels weird- well, weirder, in November. This is just a strange month for me, I guess. I could go on and on, but I think I already have, I got many scattered thoughts, but I’ll save some of them for my art, and poems and short stories, basically anything I can work on creatively.
I think its time to put on my headphones and let the music guide me to calmer places. Calmer oceans.
Restful thoughts, slowly drifting into sleep.
-Dandy Jon-
Faceless Being: http://dandy-jon.deviantart.com/art/Faceless-Being-492472215
Deviant Art: http://dandy-jon.deviantart.com
